When I think about it... I don't even know how to start. They say the beginning is usually best, but it's so hard to think back to then. After all the pain, sadness, fear, it's difficult to remember the beginning. Whenever I try, I just see the signs I missed, the red flags I ignored. It's still hard not to blame myself, hard not to realize that I let this happen to myself.
At the start, he listened to me, I felt my opinions were valued. I felt amazing, and amazed that he wanted to be with me. He would do things for me, he listened, held me when I cried, and he generally seemed to care and love me. Slowly, or maybe not so slowly, I don't know, after a few months, he started to change. Suddenly he was going through my phone, looking at texts with my friends, then yell at me for talking to them. He started saying that my friends and family didn't like him, or that they hated him, which in a way was true. But at the time, they didn't really have an opinion because he was never around them. Whenever I had a family event, that I would invite him to, he never wanted to go, or would suddenly be sick. Then he'd get mad at me for going. In the beginning, I would leave birthday parties early because I wanted to avoid the fights, but then it became evident that it didn't matter how long I stayed, there would always be yelling. So I started staying as long as I could, because I was afraid to go home.
I only had a part-time job on the weekends then, which I got him to work for too. I always say it's my fun job and it is. I still love it. But when he worked with me, I almost dreaded going. It meant listening to him complain that my boss was hitting on me, that all the guys were looking at me. He started telling me to quit because again, they all hated him. Which wasn't true. What they all hated, was the changes in me. These are people I've worked with for years, they knew something was wrong and were just concerned. I should have listened to them sooner. Then the one time we weren't scheduled for the same event, he didn't go to his. He blamed me that he didn't know. Our assignments were sent via email. I couldn't know that he was suppose to work somewhere I wasn't going. But he blamed me anyway, then just didn't go and pretty much quit by not showing up. But according to him it was all my fault.
During the week he worked a regular job, he would race home during his lunches, at first, I thought it was sweet. That he wanted to see me. Then I realized he was just always checking up on me. If I wasn't home, I'd be accused of cheating. I never did, I was too scared to. Then he started leaving work early to make sure I was home and eventually lost his job, which that too he blamed on me. He was so jealous of a friend of mine, he wouldn't let me talk to her. He started going through my IMs, and emails with her. Coming home early from work just to try catching me talking to her.
The worst part was the yelling. He'd yell, and swear he wasn't yelling, that I was overreacting. And when he'd yell, my mind would go blank. I couldn't think. It was like I was falling through a black hole. Then he'd get more angry. Saying that I was purposely giving him the silent treatment. There was nothing on purpose about it. I'd become so numb and scared that there was nothing. By the time it had reach this point, my opinions and feelings and what I wanted no long seemed like they meant anything to him. He didn't listen and just said I was wrong or stupid. He'd throw things, pack my things and tell me to leave, even when I was the one paying for our place, I should have left then. He'd tell me I made him crazy. He was always threatening to kill himself, or to hurt people I cared about if I left.
Although he never hit me, he was physically abusive in other ways. If I did something he didn't like, for instants, being late getting home, he'd force me to give him a blow job. He'd literally push me down on my knees and shove his penis in my mouth. During sex, he'd continue or make me go into positions I didn't like, even if I said it hurt. If we didn't have sex, he'd make me feel guilty until I gave in. If I said ow or stop or no, he'd ignore it. He'd say things like I always said it hurt, or that I always say no. That I was controlling him by not having sex. I just didn't want to be hurt.
In later posts, I'll go into specific details on events. This was just a summary, an overview. There's so much I can't even list it all in one post. I'm glad it's over, but the memories still haunt me. People ask why I stayed, the answer is I was scared, and embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know that this had happened to me. Now, I want to share it. I need to.
Thank you,
~Bunny
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