No one

Emotionally Bad Day

I had a bad day today. And I don't mean bad as in it was cold and snowy (although here it was) or that work was more difficult than normal. Emotionally it was just a bad day. Nothing sparked it, there was no incident to link my feelings or thoughts to any of my past traumas, they were just there. I just didn't feel right.

I found myself thinking back on a few incidents with my ex, who from now on I'll refer to as Ty. I was at work, and again there was no reason for these thoughts, they just popped into my head and I couldn't shake the bad feelings.

The first one was from about 2 years ago now. We were living in the little awful apartment, that I could barely afford. I came home from work and found in sitting on our couch watching porn and masturbating. Since he was unemployed at the time, this was what I typically came home to. I'd just finished a ten hour day and was tired and felt dirty.

He asked me to come over and use my mouth to help him. I told him "No." Then, I'm pretty sure he just glared at me as that was his usually response to my telling him no. I decided to go take a shower, I wanted to feel clean and I wanted to be alone.

I wasn't about to get either.

Shortly after I'd enter the shower, Ty came into the bathroom. I remember being angry. I hate being bothered when I'm in the shower. I like to take them alone, period. Ty knew this, I'd told him multiple times, but he always barged in anyway. Not only did he come into the bathroom, he barged into my shower.

He started kissing me, asked me what was wrong, why I didn't want to give him a blowjob. By this point in our relationship, I was so scared and turned off most of the time, anything intimate just made me feel worse. I responded by say "I just want to take a shower." I'm sure he made some comment about needing one afterwards anyway, but I can't remember clearly. This is when he started fingering me, and not gently by any means. His finger ramming inside me, it hurt!

When I pulled away, he asked me what he should do with his erection. My response was for him to take a cold shower. This is when he pushed me down onto the floor of our standing shower and shoved it in my mouth anyway.

Again I pulled away, stood up and told him I didn't like to be forced to do things. Then he told me he wasn't forcing me and he would show me what force was like. This time he knocked me down so hard, my knees were bruised for days afterwards and began to thrust his erection into my mouth with ferocity. In addition to this unwanted action, I also had water, flowing into my eyes and nose and could barely breath.

So there I was choking in the shower. I tried tapping on his leg which was usually our sign that I needed to stop, but he kept going. When I nearly passed out, he finally stopped and pulled out of my mouth. Then Ty asked me if I understood the difference now.

I really didn't, and still don't, both seemed exactly the same to me, but as I huddled against the wall of the shower, I nodded at him and said yes. After this he stormed out of the shower and I was left there feeling scared, violated and much much dirtier than when I'd come home.

The second event I kept thinking about today was very similar to this one, though minus the shower. We'd moved into a house, and I asked him to check around it because I'd heard something strange and didn't feel safe.

After he'd looked around, he asked me to give him a reward. I went to him and gave him a kiss and thanked him. He made some comment about that not being enough for his "heroic" duty as a man making me feel safe and he grabbed my shouldered and pushed me down onto me knees and told me to give him a real reward.

I told him no and he started yelling at me that I never want to have sex or fun and then stormed off.

Again, I don't know why I thought of these events day, like I said I was at work! There was no reason for them, but there they were.

At least it's over now and I haven't suffered anything like this in the last year.

Thank you for reading.

~Bunny

Survivor Psalm