No one

Emotionally Bad Day

I had a bad day today. And I don't mean bad as in it was cold and snowy (although here it was) or that work was more difficult than normal. Emotionally it was just a bad day. Nothing sparked it, there was no incident to link my feelings or thoughts to any of my past traumas, they were just there. I just didn't feel right.

I found myself thinking back on a few incidents with my ex, who from now on I'll refer to as Ty. I was at work, and again there was no reason for these thoughts, they just popped into my head and I couldn't shake the bad feelings.

The first one was from about 2 years ago now. We were living in the little awful apartment, that I could barely afford. I came home from work and found in sitting on our couch watching porn and masturbating. Since he was unemployed at the time, this was what I typically came home to. I'd just finished a ten hour day and was tired and felt dirty.

He asked me to come over and use my mouth to help him. I told him "No." Then, I'm pretty sure he just glared at me as that was his usually response to my telling him no. I decided to go take a shower, I wanted to feel clean and I wanted to be alone.

I wasn't about to get either.

Shortly after I'd enter the shower, Ty came into the bathroom. I remember being angry. I hate being bothered when I'm in the shower. I like to take them alone, period. Ty knew this, I'd told him multiple times, but he always barged in anyway. Not only did he come into the bathroom, he barged into my shower.

He started kissing me, asked me what was wrong, why I didn't want to give him a blowjob. By this point in our relationship, I was so scared and turned off most of the time, anything intimate just made me feel worse. I responded by say "I just want to take a shower." I'm sure he made some comment about needing one afterwards anyway, but I can't remember clearly. This is when he started fingering me, and not gently by any means. His finger ramming inside me, it hurt!

When I pulled away, he asked me what he should do with his erection. My response was for him to take a cold shower. This is when he pushed me down onto the floor of our standing shower and shoved it in my mouth anyway.

Again I pulled away, stood up and told him I didn't like to be forced to do things. Then he told me he wasn't forcing me and he would show me what force was like. This time he knocked me down so hard, my knees were bruised for days afterwards and began to thrust his erection into my mouth with ferocity. In addition to this unwanted action, I also had water, flowing into my eyes and nose and could barely breath.

So there I was choking in the shower. I tried tapping on his leg which was usually our sign that I needed to stop, but he kept going. When I nearly passed out, he finally stopped and pulled out of my mouth. Then Ty asked me if I understood the difference now.

I really didn't, and still don't, both seemed exactly the same to me, but as I huddled against the wall of the shower, I nodded at him and said yes. After this he stormed out of the shower and I was left there feeling scared, violated and much much dirtier than when I'd come home.

The second event I kept thinking about today was very similar to this one, though minus the shower. We'd moved into a house, and I asked him to check around it because I'd heard something strange and didn't feel safe.

After he'd looked around, he asked me to give him a reward. I went to him and gave him a kiss and thanked him. He made some comment about that not being enough for his "heroic" duty as a man making me feel safe and he grabbed my shouldered and pushed me down onto me knees and told me to give him a real reward.

I told him no and he started yelling at me that I never want to have sex or fun and then stormed off.

Again, I don't know why I thought of these events day, like I said I was at work! There was no reason for them, but there they were.

At least it's over now and I haven't suffered anything like this in the last year.

Thank you for reading.

~Bunny

Survivor Psalm

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The abuse, my summary

When I think about it... I don't even know how to start. They say the beginning is usually best, but it's so hard to think back to then. After all the pain, sadness, fear, it's difficult to remember the beginning. Whenever I try, I just see the signs I missed, the red flags I ignored. It's still hard not to blame myself, hard not to realize that I let this happen to myself.

At the start, he listened to me, I felt my opinions were valued. I felt amazing, and amazed that he wanted to be with me. He would do things for me, he listened, held me when I cried, and he generally seemed to care and love me. Slowly, or maybe not so slowly, I don't know, after a few months, he started to change. Suddenly he was going through my phone, looking at texts with my friends, then yell at me for talking to them. He started saying that my friends and family didn't like him, or that they hated him, which in a way was true. But at the time, they didn't really have an opinion because he was never around them. Whenever I had a family event, that I would invite him to, he never wanted to go, or would suddenly be sick. Then he'd get mad at me for going. In the beginning, I would leave birthday parties early because I wanted to avoid the fights, but then it became evident that it didn't matter how long I stayed, there would always be yelling. So I started staying as long as I could, because I was afraid to go home.

I only had a part-time job on the weekends then, which I got him to work for too. I always say it's my fun job and it is. I still love it. But when he worked with me, I almost dreaded going. It meant listening to him complain that my boss was hitting on me, that all the guys were looking at me. He started telling me to quit because again, they all hated him. Which wasn't true. What they all hated, was the changes in me. These are people I've worked with for years, they knew something was wrong and were just concerned. I should have listened to them sooner. Then the one time we weren't scheduled for the same event, he didn't go to his. He blamed me that he didn't know. Our assignments were sent via email. I couldn't know that he was suppose to work somewhere I wasn't going. But he blamed me anyway, then just didn't go and pretty much quit by not showing up. But according to him it was all my fault.

During the week he worked a regular job, he would race home during his lunches, at first, I thought it was sweet. That he wanted to see me. Then I realized he was just always checking up on me. If I wasn't home, I'd be accused of cheating. I never did, I was too scared to. Then he started leaving work early to make sure I was home and eventually lost his job, which that too he blamed on me. He was so jealous of a friend of mine, he wouldn't let me talk to her. He started going through my IMs, and emails with her. Coming home early from work just to try catching me talking to her.

The worst part was the yelling. He'd yell, and swear he wasn't yelling, that I was overreacting. And when he'd yell, my mind would go blank. I couldn't think. It was like I was falling through a black hole. Then he'd get more angry. Saying that I was purposely giving him the silent treatment. There was nothing on purpose about it. I'd become so numb and scared that there was nothing. By the time it had reach this point, my opinions and feelings and what I wanted no long seemed like they meant anything to him. He didn't listen and just said I was wrong or stupid. He'd throw things, pack my things and tell me to leave, even when I was the one paying for our place, I should have left then. He'd tell me I made him crazy. He was always threatening to kill himself, or to hurt people I cared about if I left.

Although he never hit me, he was physically abusive in other ways. If I did something he didn't like, for instants, being late getting home, he'd force me to give him a blow job. He'd literally push me down on my knees and shove his penis in my mouth. During sex, he'd continue or make me go into positions I didn't like, even if I said it hurt. If we didn't have sex, he'd make me feel guilty until I gave in. If I said ow or stop or no, he'd ignore it. He'd say things like I always said it hurt, or that I always say no. That I was controlling him by not having sex. I just didn't want to be hurt.

In later posts, I'll go into specific details on events. This was just a summary, an overview. There's so much I can't even list it all in one post. I'm glad it's over, but the memories still haunt me. People ask why I stayed, the answer is I was scared, and embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to know that this had happened to me. Now, I want to share it. I need to.

Thank you,
~Bunny

What I thought... An Introduction

I always thought I was too smart and too strong to end up in an abusive relationship. I'd seen loved ones and friends in them, I thought I knew the signs. I was confident that if abuse of any kind happened to me, I'd be able to just leave, that I wouldn't stay where I always felt awful.

I was wrong.

I was right in the aspect that I knew the signs, but by the time I realized they were happening to me, it was too late. Of course I wanted to leave, I thought about it many times, but what I didn't realize, what I didn't feel by watching others go through it, was the utter despair, the hopelessness, the anger and most importantly the fear. It's easy to watch someone else go through it say "why don't you just leave?" or "why do you stay with him/her?", it's an entirely different experience to be in it and feel what goes on.

I called this blog Timid Rabbit to Lovely Bunny, because that's what I was, a timid rabbit, afraid of what would happen, and what I am, a lovely bunny and a survivor of an abusive relationship. It was an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, with a few points, that looking back on now, were border-lining physical, and definitely some sexual abuse as well. I still carry the scars of this abuse, and sometimes the patterns that developed when I was in that "timid rabbit" stage still manifest, but I no longer feel like the scared rabbit. I'm working everyday to overcome that and see the "lovely bunny" that has emerged now.

I could have just wrote up my story and put it up on some site about abusive relationships and awareness, but I would never be satisfied just writing a summary of what happened. I wanted somewhere to talk about everything I went through on my schedule and in my own way. When I have flashbacks, or doubts or just remember something that I need to talk about, that's what this is for. Writing has always helped me in the past and I hope to use it now to help myself heal.

Also, I will incorporate advice, research, help and encouragement through this blog as well. No one deserves to be abused in any form, if you are, or someone you know is, please seek help. Even if you don't know someone in an abusive relationship, raise your awareness, you never know when a friend, a daughter/son, neighbor, anyone may need help.

Thank you, until next time.
~Bunny